Technology can be great, but I don’t like how often my kids are on their phones. When they get in trouble, therefore, my first reaction is to punish them by taking away their phones for a day or longer. I’ve had many battles about how “the punishment doesn’t fit the crime” and “why do you always go to the phone first?” After a recent incident with my son, and with Dr. Rocky’s video fresh in my brain, I decided to try a new approach. Instead of the knee-jerk reaction of taking away his phone, we sat down together and had a long discussion. He explained to me that when I take away his phone, his friends think he is ghosting them. He also explained to me that if I allow him to text his friends that he is losing his phone and won’t be able to text them for a while, they proceed to badger him as to what he did to lose his phone. He said he doesn’t want to lie to them but it’s embarrassing to broadcast to everyone what he did wrong. He also said it makes him very anxious because his coach only messages the group and not the parents about practice changes and the schedule. I explained that I could monitor the phone for messages from the coach but I understood why it would be embarrassing for him to have to field questions from his friends whenever he messed up. I want him to learn from his mistakes but I don’t think it’s necessary for his friends to know every time he gets in trouble for something.
After a lengthy discussion, we arrived at a compromise. He can take his phone to school and after school, he will give me his phone. He is allowed to check it but he must ask first and hand it back to me within a few minutes. Believe it or not, my taking the phone away is no longer used as a punishment. This phone procedure has become our new norm! My son is enjoying not having the pressure to check his phone all the time and I am thankful he is busying himself with other things. I wish this compromise happened a long time ago!